One
of the most challenging and rewarding things I’ve ever had to work with is
shame. It is the thing that can keep people mute and immobile and resides in a
place beyond flesh and blood. Carl Jung famously described shame as a “soul
eating emotion” and I cannot think of anything more accurate. Shame erodes a
person at the core, insidiously shaving off in slivers their ability to be the
person they were supposed to be. It chokes potential and ties your shoelaces
together as you try to step forward to fulfill your dreams. It drives people to
hurt themselves and to end their lives, believing they can never escape it.
"Shame need not crouch, in such an earth as ours. Stand - stand erect: the universe is yours." Emily Dickinson
I
would liken it to quicksand of the soul. It has that deceptive cunning quality.
When you move to try and free yourself, its components move and shift, allowing
you to reach for the surface, before sucking you back down, even harder and farther
than before. It lays a heaviness over every part of you, but lets your head
remain above ground, gasping for air, while the rest of you is submerged in
something you feel you will never escape. In fact it feels like it has become
part of you.
People
come to believe that shame is a part of them, like a personality trait, but
that is simply not true. It does indeed burrow into your very being like a
persistent parasite. But a parasite, although it leaves a trail through your
whole system, leeches on your nourishment, it is not a part of you – it can be
removed. Shame does not have to be a permanent resident. The reason that it
feels so persistent is because it is buried so far down underneath everything
else that it becomes very hard to reach. It is also a paradox in that the
longer we hide from it, the more we try not to feel its full force, the
stronger and more persistent it becomes. We are so afraid of feeling shame in
its fullness – we believe we will evaporate under its glare – we feel like our
very existence depends on turning away from shame.
And
yet, it is only in feeling it fully, and still existing, that we can overcome
it. Basically shame is a bully. It beats us up all the time. It tells us we’re
useless, disgusting, stupid, clumsy, ugly or simply boring. It dares us to step
out, step forward, take a chance – all the while holding a trip wire, just so
it can mock and watch as we stumble and fall.
"Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself." Anais Nin
Dr Murphy - signing off (from Virginia, USA…this week)